Couples Therapy

What can I say to change his/her mind?  Actually, there is a lot I can say to change the mind of someone who wants the relationship to improve but feels stuck and does not know how to make that happen.  And it has to be said at the right moment, and it needs to respond to what’s happening in the room, in the here-and-now.  And, of course, the three paragraphs below do not begin to scratch the surface, but here’s the roughest thumbnail sketch.

There are three stages in couples therapy.  We can also think of these stages as terrains through which the path of couples therapy leads.  The first stage is crisis intervention and rapport building.  The second stage is meaning making and problem solving.  This is the stage you are talking about when you talk about changing minds.  If you have tried to change your partner’s mind, and it did not work, it’s because your partner was in a crisis and you did not have a good rapport with him or her.  The third stage is visioning.  This is the equivalent a couple writing their marriage vows together.

Couples usually come into therapy in a crisis.  Both partners are in pain and actively hurting each other causing deeper and deeper pain.  Partners come in feeling isolated in their pain.  A person who is isolated and in pain is not able to see the world from somebody else’s perspective.  People in crisis are always selfish.  It’s not their fault.  It’s human nature.  But the same people out of crisis can be compassionate, generous, and caring.

When a couple tormented by conflict enters couples therapy, the process of emotional mutual combat and mutual emotional injury stops.  Also, having in the room the therapist who cares about each of them, keeps a balanced and nonjudgmental perspective, and does not pick sides creates rapport with the therapist.  With the crisis subsiding and rapport building, partners can move on to meaning making and problem solving–seeing the world from a different perspective, for example, seeing the partner’s perspective or reexamining traumatic events and seeing that they were not “the end of the world.”

Couples therapy is the most direct investment in yourself, your love, your children (if you have them or want to have them), and in your family. Having a good relationship is the best predictor of happiness and even of physical health for both men and women.

And if we are talking about money, let’s compare couples therapy with divorce. A middle-class divorce can cost 50,000-$100,000. This includes two lawyers (his and hers), two sets of court fees, two testifying economics and/or financial experts, and two testifying co-parenting experts.

This does not include the post-divorce cost of keeping two homes, each with bedrooms for the kid(s). This also does not include the cost of individual therapy for the kids during and after the divorce to help them adjust to the new distant relationship between the parents. Parents may still need conjoint therapy (co-parenting therapy) during and after the divorce to help them figure out how to get along and co-parent in the new more distant and, perhaps, less-than-friendly environment.

If you see yourself as the kind of person who would spend money on co-parenting therapy after the divorce to get help with co-parenting, so you can be the best parent to your children that you could be, then you may want to spend the money to prevent the divorce to begin with.

As for how long couples therapy takes, relief often comes quickly, after only 5-10 weeks. One couple had relief after just one session. As they put it, the relationship was “reset”. Some couples stay in couples therapy after the crisis passes because they are learning how to strengthen the relationship, how to ask for and get the love that they want, how to understand each other, how to get over old hurts, and much more.

Is your partner worried that he or she will be judged and blamed for problems? I always ask new clients about their prior couples therapy experience. I frequently hear that my new client quit previous couples therapy because he (or she) was treated as “the bad partner.” As a therapist, I have to actively work to avoid taking sides and to create a nonjudgmental environment.

If your partner does not come in for therapy, you and I can still get a lot done. I can help you deal with trauma and coach you on communication. Both of these are huge steps on the way to a better relationship. Often my client’s partner takes notice of the changes and says, “I like the new you.” Then the reluctant partner starts coming in for therapy.

Every couple has hurts and gripes that they are not addressing at the moment. These issues are real, and they are not really gone. They are like landmines waiting for someone to step on them, so they can explode. You will learn in couples therapy tools for addressing these. Couples therapy is a safe, caring, non-toxic, confidential, and compassionate environment where you can get closure on these issues. 

This is where you can get a heartfelt apology you have wanted but did not know how to ask for or, looking at it from the other side, this is where you can make amends for your mistakes and make sure that your apology is heard and not ignored. If you think your relationship has the potential for things getting worse, then the best place to deal with that risk is couples therapy.

There are several reasons why couples therapy is urgent:

1. Relationships are vital to our happiness, but at the same time relationships are fragile. You don’t see half of the people committing suicide, but you do see half of the marriages end in divorce. This means that we need to protect and strengthen our relationships or we will have . . . what we have now.
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2. If you allow chronic conflict to infect your relationship, and you don’t get help, then you could have complications like infidelity, baseless jealousy or domestic violence enter your marriage and make things much worse.
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3. The chronic conflict between parents is hurting the kids. They are troubled by it. They are disturbed by it. Kids regress emotionally and behaviorally it this kind of emotionally toxic environment. If you are the kind of parent who will spend time and money to protect your kids, couples therapy should also be on the table if the relationship between parents it the problem.